what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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