i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
