My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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