Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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