haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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