Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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