How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
