Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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