I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
