Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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