im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
