Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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