Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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