you didnt know i had herpes?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
