my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
