Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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