3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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