I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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