You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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