I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
