Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
