Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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