Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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