I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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