Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My cat gives me a boner
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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