you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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