Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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