I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
