I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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