turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did I show you my penis last night?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
