And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
