No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
