When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
