I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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