Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He better not be in your backpack
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
