Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
