A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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