my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
