you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
