The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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