She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
