Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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