Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
