evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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