oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
