you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
