I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
