she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
