So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
