I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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