I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
